Recently, I found myself in a random, yet fascinating, conversation at one of my favorite coffee shops (a.k.a. “my office”) on a snowy afternoon. To be honest, conversations with strangers are one of my favorite things on Earth. Knowing you may never see them again allows a pure honesty that you don’t always get with people you see on a day-to-day basis. In this quickly intimate conversation, we began talking about friendships – and he made one of the most thought-provoking statements that I had heard in a long time.
“We are represented by our five closest friends.”
The comment was almost flippant, but it sent me reeling. I have always been a proponent of “you are who you surround yourself with,” but the simplicity of this utterance made me wonder about my five people – and am I really OK with them representing me?
College is an interesting time for friendships and sometimes we end up hanging on to friendships with freshmen dorm roommates and floormates instead of people who support, inspire us and make our days better. Without even realizing it, you might find yourself spending your time talking, studying, eating and socializing with people you don’t have much in common with, let alone even like.
Why does this matter – and what does it have to do with dating? Well, everything. Friends impact us in many, many ways. They can affect our mood, confidence, lifestyle choices, social life, schedule, etc. In other words, they are either helping or hurting.
So, here are three types of friends who may be keeping you from your best love life. Do any of them sound familiar?
Debbie or Denny Downer Syndrome
They have been dealt a “bad hand.” They work so hard at everything yet no one notices or appreciates them. Life is always so tough. Wah wah.
I am getting depressed just writing this. We all know at least a few of these people: the constant victims in their own life. The people who never get a break. Listen, we all have bad days and bad situations. But, the guys and gals who are truly suffering from the “downer syndrome” are probably making choices that are keeping them unhappy. Not only will their negativity rub off on you, it is exhausting spending all of your time listening to their problems and telling them it will get better soon.
Most importantly, the Debbies and Dennys won’t be celebrating that new exciting person you have met or upcoming date because they like to keep their friends in the depths of despair with them. Bummer, dude.
Mr. or Miss Steal Your Thunder
You see that hottie from Bio across the room and make your move. Things are going well. They are laughing at your jokes, making great eye contact and flirting has clearly begun and … wait … what?! In a few short moments, your friend has swooped in, blocked your game and left you scratching your head watching from the outside. Fuming.
Whether they mean to do it or not, the “Steal Your Thunders” may not even be interested in your object of affection, but they do like the attention enough to push you out of the way to get what they want.
It’s Not Rocket Science Reminder: Your friends should be your biggest fans. After all, they are your friends. You want someone who not only steps out of your way to let you pursue your interest, but is by your side talking you up, making you look funnier, smarter and cooler than you could ever do yourself.
The “Fun” Friend
Everyone has ‘em and man, you gotta love ‘em: the friends who are the life of every party. They are guaranteed to shake what their mama gave them on any available table, tell the best stories of their adventures that usually start with “I woke up in this dumpster,” they rule at beer pong and they’ve sent a few quips to Texts from Last Night. Unfortunately, in a drunken stupor, they also randomly shout at people, start airing your dirty laundry without realizing it, get in fights and then have to be taken home (as you wonder if you’ll actually be let back into that establishment). Yeah, that is tons of fun, isn’t it?
Although these friends make for a good story, you are always going to end up apologizing to any new crushes – as well as anyone else who has been left in the wake of these “fun” friends. The fun is always going to end for you when it becomes apparent you have to step in and babysit. Is this how you really want to be represented?
Weekend Dating Makeover Challenge: Take a step back and look at the top people in your life. How might they be helping or hurting?
1. Make a list of the people in your life who you spend the most time with. Who are your top five? What awesome and not-so-awesome qualities are they bringing to your life?
2. Now list your dream top five friends. Consider people in your life, classes, and groups who are positive, supportive, a good listener and make you feel great. Are they the same as who is currently your top five?
3. List five ways to start adding your “dream team” to your life. Make a goal this weekend to create opportunities to spend more time with them. Create a coffee date, invite them over for a movie, or head to the library…whatever. Just start the conversation.
Now that you know who you want in your life, it is time to do the work to bring them in. Here is the best part: when you start surrounding yourself with supportive, amazing people you will feel happier and more confident which is the key to attracting the people you want to date.
Have a great frenemies story that you want to share? Can’t wait to hear it.
